The Dead Guy

Well... I moved in with Joy, put a lot in storage and all that stuff. Might be getting a raise, maybe even a promotion, wouldn't that be great. Not holding my breath though, and soon the search will start up again for a second job part-time. I still haven't gotten used to a normal sleep schedule. Going on a short vacation next week. That about sums it up. Probably not, but I know any second a customer is going to come over and then not want my help and I want to get out early instead of staying late like I have been too much lately, so I am just going to keep it short and simple. Have to go anyways. Customers. Oh well.

Life. It is looking up very much better. My English on the other hand not so much. So far this year has started off quiet well and looks to keep going up.

Things are better with Joy and I than they have been in a long time and keep improving, I will be moving in with her at the end of my lease here in outrageous rent land. We will also be taking a class or two together at Ohlone. Still not sure what Mike is going to do or if he has come up with anything, but that is his issue to deal with.

I am taking classes at Ohlone. I am not completely sure what yet, but my classes at Cerro Coso are not available due to a class cancellation and me lagging and the other class filled up. I have also been yearning to take a class in a classroom with other people for a long time. So far I am signed up for beginning guitar with Joy, which yeah like I need that, but I am making it a challenge by doing it left handed. (Many people seem to have comments on this, I like to call it eccentric.) I am contemplating doing some general ed, but I hate general ed. Why can't I do Sci-fi and Fantasy for English requirement? Why doesn't Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion or Eastern religion count for Anthropology? Do I really need another goverment or history class? This country has only been around for a little over 200 years, there isn't that much to learn about and a lot less to care about. Science, I am just not sure what I want to take. I should take Bio-technology and learn how to do gene manipulation and cloning and make hella money, but it just sound so uninteresting to me, with the exception of all the fucked up little creatures I could make, but probably wouldn't because they probably wouldn't be to happy. Do mice need a human ear on their back? Do pigs need to glow in the dark? No. Did the people who made them have a great time laughing about what they made? Hell yes you know they did. I would also like to take art and music production, but they are timed for people who don't work at all.

On to other things. Well I finally did it. I quit Commex. After five years of which probably the last three were quiet miserable there, and it was only supposed to be a temp job. Well so much for that. Heres to a lot more and better quality time in my life. I will still probably have to get a second job part time somewhere, but it can be whatever and will probably be a retail job at a store I like, so it will not be too bad. Eventually here if I can whip the damn sales people into shape, I will get a raise at my other job, and then I may not even need the second job. If I get really good sales at the other job I can even take the occasional weekend off and get some bonuses and commission. Hells to the fucks yeah bitches.

Went to an awesome concert the other day. Dark Funeral, Enslaved and Abigail Williams (didn't see them though and don't think I missed much). Went with Liane and picked up a couple of her friends, Hexx and Bryan. Small world. Anyways, Enslaved was great and it was really cool to see them, considering I miss half the bands from Europe that I want to see, they rarely come back if ever, and Enslaved is one of my favorites. Mortiis did say he was playing a festival in Europe and was going on just before Emperor who was headlining, so maybe there is still hope of a re-union tour? Of course when I went to see Zyklon, I was there, but the band was sick and come out. I should have gone to see Emperor back in the day when they played at the Maritime. So yeah, that was a cool concert, and then afterwards we were outside and the guy from Enslaved was hanging out and stuff, cracking jokes and talking about tours and stuff and I thought that was pretty cool, especially since so many musicians are such dicks when it comes to talking to fans even when they aren't famous. I do wish I hadn't been awake for the previous 38 hours straight though, kinda left me a little out of it, but at least that won't be an issue anymore. All in all though, a good start to the concert season even though the Pound is gone now and I don't know of any other shows that I want to see, but I can hope and I will actually be able to attend shows without having to get the day off work now, so that will make things a lot easier.

White and Nerdy For dork eyes only...

So I am going to try WoW again. It is my tv alternative and I don't have that whole problem of addiction like so many people do, and I may not even stick with it, last time I played I paid for a month and went on like three times very briefly. I love the game, but it is hard to dedicate much time to it when I have so many other things I want/need to do, like music and art and socializing with people in person and working on my car and all the other numerous things I like to do. But yeah I am going to try and play again anyways, and I will probably be getting the expansion so I can start a Blood Elf. If anyone is interested, I am on the Blackhand server and I have a guild Nocturnal Death Soldiers that at this point probably only consists of my main and my alts, none near lvl. 60, and maybe a couple of other alts from two or three of my friends. Woot! Dork it up!

In other dork news, I read about Windows Vista, and it looks like Windows for retards. (No offense to the people with down syndrome, I mean the other kind of retard, the ones that makes up 90% of the population.) Much like the new Apple OS, it is extremely user friendly and will do everything for you. I hate that. I just finally upgraded to XP a few months ago, and I would still be fine with 2000 if it had full support for newer programs and hardware. I guess that just shows how much of a dork I am, but I don't want my computer to do anything unless I tell it to and I want to have full power over how it is configured, when I run updates, what security measures I use, and how I organize my media. I definitely don't want an OS that is going to make me fight to configure things, over simplifies things at the cost of performance and usability and touts its biggest improvements in the form of eye candy and stupid useless features. Most of all, stop with all the fucking warnings, which I hear Vista is way worse for than any previous OS. I know what I am doing or I wouldn't be doing it. I really need to learn Linux.

Finally done with the stupid career planning class. I have now created a complete and outstanding career plan for a career that I no longer want. GO BRENT!!! Life. Fuck it. Oh well. I turned in a couple of the last assignments late, and I am not even sure if I did them right. This will be the end of my 4.0 gpa. Not that it wasn't inevitable anyways.


Skip this if you like Christmas.

Christmas is coming. Yay. My mom asked what I wanted and I told her not to worry about it. Not really into Christmas at all anymore. Just isn't my thing. I am the grinch. I like the idea of getting together with people, but I hate the whole mandatory gift exchange thing. I don't like getting stuff from people because I feel awkward. Even if it is something like someone buying me a coke or something. Well I guess it depends, if it is an employer or something or someone with crazy money then I don't mind, but normally I feel wierd. As far as giving, I have my times when I am generous but they are random and when I feel like it. I don't want to feel obligated to give anything to anyone. I know, I know, I am an asshole. I also hate Christmas music. It is almost all either horrid pop shit (both the originals and the crappy bands that cover them) or cheesy religious stuff. That combined with the fact that I have heard them all so many times. It is like a form of torture for anyone who has ever worked in retail during the holidays. On top of it all, Christmas is such a fake holiday. Jesus wasn't even born anywhere near Christmas. This is a holiday that was banned by Christians because of the way it was celebrated in the middle ages. It was created to replace the pagan holidays that all pre-Christian religions celebrated in some form around the month of December (not unlike many other Christian holidays, like Easter and All Saints Day). The Romans had Saturnalia, the worship of the god Saturn, with gift giving, drinking, and orgies with lots of gay sex. The Mesopotamians celebrated by sacrificing their king (or a criminal who they made king for a day) to the god Marduk. Fucking Black Metal. We should do that today, but with our President and don't be making any substitutions either. But seeing as almost every pre-Christian religion celebrates around this time due to it being winter solstice, they had to make it a Christian holiday, so why not call it Jesus birthday? Then Macy's went and took good old Saint Nick and made him in to Santa Claus as a way to sell more stuff at the end of the year and thus was started the tradition of Christmas as we know it today.

Ok. So yeah, time to go. Work was fun. Not really, just did my homework. Super slow. Went to Target on lunch to get jumper cables because I neglected my bug and the battery died. Need to fix that thing or something. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Maybe I will get back to this tommorrow if I don't have to do inventory. Maybe. School is over, so I will have more time here to do nothing and catch up on all this type of stuff. But for now I am out of here.

In another crazy hair brained scheme to completely and utterly destroy any chance of going anywhere in life, I have come up with a new plan. I will quit my jobs and go to India. While in India I will get a tan and learn to build a guitar. There is a sort of guitar building school that lasts for a couple weeks, and only costs about 38,000 rupees, including materials to build an acoustic. It kinda looks like something out of a movie, with a long haired surfer guy who has a shop under the trees, with a straw cabin and stuff. Supposedly it is in a city that is a popular tourist destination, and hey, who doesn't want to travel to India? It would definitely be an experience.

When I get back, well who knows... There is a school in Minnesota that teaches guitar repair that includes building and stuff, it is a real college, and they claim to have a 100% successful placement rate. There are also a few other programs around the country, and even some in other countries that I could theoretically attend.

Where would I live afterward, what would I do for a job? Maybe build guitars for a living, more likely just repair them. I could also become a guitar tech, but I doubt that there are any bands I would want to travel with unless I had my own band. I suppose I could also work out of a major studio, and then I could get into other things like a studio technician too. The way I see it is that even if it doesn't work out, I won't be much worse off than I am now, only I will have a couple of really nice guitars and will be able to do a lot more with that hobby, which I plan to get back into eventually anyways. It will require more schooling, but it would be hands on schooling, with me being responsible for my own projects and being in a classroom where I actually talked to people and interacted on a social level. Much better than what I am doing right now. My favorite classes in high school were my shop classes, and building my first guitar was awesome. I have always enjoyed building things, and that is part of why I wanted to get into video games, it was a way of building virtual things.

If I don't do something, I am going to go crazy. Last night I went to bed (a comforter on the floor) at 11 after dozing in my chair for an hour or so because I was achy and freezing, I didn't even eat anything for dinner. (The heater wouldn't work, probably just some fluke thing, but it would only blow cold air even after five minutes or so, but that is ok, it only got down to 50 degrees according to the thermometer in my kitchen). I slept like shit, like I do every night, because I am so used to not sleeping. I also got a hilarious letter from my apartment manager offering me a great deal on a new lease. Only $150 more than already expensive if I sign a year lease, $200 more if I sign for 6 months, and $300 if I go for month to month. That's great, considering my freezer doesn't work right, my dishwasher doesn't work, and now my heater possibly too? Oh and they sent out a letter last month saying to be careful because there has been a drastic increase in crime, including burglaries and auto theft, this on top of the fact that they had a motorcyle theft problem. Pure fucking class. Oh and I read that it cost twice as much for a U-haul driven out of state as it does to drive from out of state to California because so many people are moving out of California. (There were other examples to support the moving thing, but I don't remember what.) I so want to move out of this shit hole, but I am not sure if other places are better. Portland might be nice, but I hear employment is hard to come by. Seattle is nice, but expensive. Maybe a small town might be nice, who knows. L.A. still looms too, I could stick out the game thing and try to get a job in that, and get a box on Sunset strip to live in for awhile. Maybe I will just save up and move to India or Romania and start up an export business.

It is a day today. Not good, not bad. Just a day. At least so far. My leg is a stupid bitch that needs to be beat silly. I pulled it trying to move Joy's couch bed to her apartment the other day, the couch bed that was supposed to go over the railing the next time I moved it... It did end up in the trash, due to the fact that it wouldn't fit from the stairs to the balcony without at least four or five strong people to get it over, and even then, getting in the door, well without a scissor lift and those same people, it would be impossible. Even with those things it would be hell. Anyways, it is gone now, never to be worried about again, (well actually it still resides by the dumpster where I left it, but it is no longer my concern). So now I have a pulled muscle in my thigh and not even a couch to sleep on. Not that the couch leaving was a surprise, I just procrastinated thinking about it until it was gone. But I wonder, do I need a bed? If so what kind of bed? A futon? An air-mattress on the floor? A loft bed? Do I need a couch? I am thinking that if I keep my belongings to a minimum it will be easier to move, not to mention that if I end up sharing a place with anyone after this lease (various scenarios may be possible, but that is still a couple months off and I will wait as usual till the last minute to figure all that out), I may not have room or need for some things. I have lived in a car, on a couch, on a damp mattress, a floor with blankets, all without problems, so it is not really an issue of comfort for me, especially since I only actually sleep seven out of every fourteen days anyways. The futon idea seems nice because it can double as a couch for when I have more than one person over, a rarity, but it does happen. The loft bed is nice because it is more private in a communal living space (my living room, where I will be living after Mike moves in), and it allows for better space management, not to mention I have always thought that they were cool. The one downside is that they are usually made for kids, meaning a weight limit of 200 pounds, and well, I exceed that, and as one site put it, I may want to use my bed to do those things that people sometimes do in their beds with another person. So that might require me to build my own bed in order to ensure its strength. There are plenty of plans on the web, even for a king size one. AAhh yeah, come on baby, let's go back to my place and rock my bunk bed of love. I keep thinking of the movie Big, where Tom Hanks is all excited about asking the girl from his office to have a sleep over and when he is about to show her his bed he exclaims that he gets to be on top. Why could I picture myself doing that? Of course, I am sure that my intents would be just as innocent as his in a relationship at that stage, despite the knowledge that it implies such a double-entendre. I am after all a gentleman (at least in a few aspects).

In other news, I hate work. I hate work. I hate work. Did I mention I hate work? It is cold at my night job, (step outside at 3 in the morning and imagine if there was a breeze), it's busy and everything keeps breaking or staying broken. Everyone is ready to quit. Everyone is quitting at my day job too. Apparently it is not the place to work either. I am just pretty bored here. Let's see, what have I accomplished here in the last week?

1.) I now know that I am going to build a house out of shipping containers (like you see on trains and boats) and I have even started designing and pricing it, I just need to decide where I want to live. It will be cheap, modular and easy for me to build the whole thing, and it will be livable as soon as the containers are delivered. The only preparations are finding a spot and laying a foundation which may require a professional. My house will be fairly green (not the color) and it will be cheap so I will have it paid for in no time, thus allowing for more saving and early retirement so I can rock out 24/7. I could even build other houses and make a small neighborhood. In fact, I could possibly even start a commune of some sort. Maybe a cult.


2.) Reading on-line articles from a gentleman's magazine like GQ or something, I have learned how to become a dominant asshole who politely screws over his friends and makes people feel intimidated and inferior. Yes! Just the things I always wanted. Of course these techniques can be and are used to a lesser extent by successful individuals in everyday life. I may try them out, well except the screwing over friends part, which is something I try not to do. There were also interesting What I Learned In Life articles by a few people, including Ozzy, Tom Petty, and Homer Simpson. Two people whom while I wouldn't consider them to be influential in any way to myself, have lived respectable lives and while my fascination with Ozzy is not so much of the man as much as the music and the icon, I have always thought that Tom Petty would be an interesting person to know.

3.) Well, there is no three. I really haven't done much else. There has been a lot of busy work as far as administrative stuff, but not a lot of sales. Just stupid stuff that keeps me from doing other stuff useless stuff.

Well that is it. Time to go soon. Yay. I think I will make quiche tonight. Then a linguica omelete for breakfast. MMmmm... high cholesterol, fatty foods. Still, better than eating out. Need to get back into the habit of cooking again. At least I finally went shopping and got some groceries.

It's all wack in the land of crack today. Nothing special except that it was an exceptionally crazy day. Lunch consisted of Junior Mints, I sold the ugliest rug to a lady who could only look at them part way open while wearing sunglasses over her glasses, and I had to deal with two cracktastic wild goose chases in dealing with old customer orders among other things. One of them involved a customer who called because he ordered a 6'x9' rug, got it, and it was 4" smaller on each side than what the order said. Therefore he claims, it is only a 5'6"X8'6" rug. HHmmm, I can't figure out where the other two inches went, or WHO THE HELL CARES! IT'S A FUCKING RUG UNDER YOUR COUCH! WHO THE HELL MEASURES THEM? Worse, WHO THE HELL WHINES ABOUT IT LIKE IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD and then he tries to tell me that it is his wife who is really concerned. But when I talked to her, her concern was "I don't really mind so much about the rug, it's him that cares, and I have to live with him." Nice... do us both a favor then and just smack him and tell him to get over it. Bitches.

On top of that and various other crazy customers I had to deal with today, because of my higher ups screwing up, I have to be more punctual about my coming and goings and have explanations for when I am not around because the store higher ups are stupid assholes who don't have a clue as most higher ups don't about what happens at the store level. Stop twisting my nipples dammit! Be glad that I don't disappear for days or just quit like the other people. I do a damn fine job and take pride in my work. Well ok, not really, but whatever. I do what needs to be done and I help them out a lot with their shit so they really can't complain. They should in fact be paying me. Bitches.

Don't fuck with me. I have a goiter. Just because it is non-malignant doesn't mean it doesn't do anything. It will fuck you up. Oh yes it will. Well, maybe if you piss it off enough and dip it into some sort of toxic chemicals. Anyways, point is: you are all Goiter-less Bastards. Bitches.

I need to buy Evil Bong and The Day of the Beast. Might need to take a drug test. Still haven't even heard back if I am going to get reimbursed if I take the medical exam. Does that mean I am going to get canned? Who knows. Bitches.

I am out of Junior Mints. Time to go back to the dollar store. Maybe I should eat some real food today. Possibly. Almost time to go to the next job. Who knows what cracktasticness tonight and tomorrow hold. Only the goiter knows what darkness lies in the hearts of men. By the way, GGFH kick ass. It's all about cheezy horror industrial from the ghettos of the east bay. My first band that never got off the ground was going to be a horror rap band. Thats right. Rap. In fact, I may just decide to do it now. Mutha fuckin Dead Guy in the house. Bitches.

Ok. I am really out of here. Yeah. Fucking A. Don't yank the hair. I will kill you. Maybe. Bitches.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not exactly the most social person. Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't really care much for people I don't know. In fact I often express my hatred for society in general, make fun of people who die and all that kind of asshole stuff that I do. It's not to say that I am a completely cold hearted bastard, but in general I guess I am very de-sensitized and just really don't like society. Blah blah blah you get the idea. Anyways, I also don't do well with being a sympathetic person when it comes to tragedy of any sort. Not that I don't care or feel bad for the persons loss or whatever, its just that I don't know what to say, I can be guaranteed to give bad advice and poor condolences and I know it. I feel really awkward when people tell me about tragic things in their life.

Where is all this going you ask? Well I don't know. I was reading the news today like I usually do, laughing at all the idiots who kill, maim, and hurt each other for the stupidest or weirdest reasons, and I went out and got a drink for lunch and went in back to heat up my food and eat. Lynn, a new IC, who is very nice, was back there talking on the phone and it sounded kind of personal and emotional, so I left while my food heated up. When I went back, she was off the phone, and just finishing her food. She asked how I was doing, and I said ok. I asked her, and expected the usual customary response of fine, good, or ok, something along those lines. Instead she told me it has been a tough week. Me being me, and especially since she is basically only one step above being a stranger, I don't want ask because I am not the person to talk to about stuff, but she starts to tell me that her son recently became paralyzed from the waist down. She told me a little about how him and about how she doesn't like to talk about it because it really hurts, totally understandable, and I really don't know what to say. (Brent's automated response would be "That sucks", but I managed to restrain myself from saying it because I think it sounds like what you say to someone who dropped their candy bar or something, although it always seems to come out automatically, mostly due to a lack of knowing what else to say, and then I regret it later if it was someone whose feelings I care about. I recently decided to try and stop saying it.)

She continues and tells me that she went to the doctors yesterday and he gave her some strong medication and told her that she should talk to people about what happened, and I am sitting there, feeling uncomfortable and worse for the fact that I don't know to say. She pauses like she is waiting for a response, and so I ask what happened, but inside I just want her go, and talk to someone else about it. Not that I want to be an asshole, I just don't know what to say and know that I am the worst person in the world to talk to about stuff like that.

So I ask her about it for some reason (it kinda seemed like the right thing maybe?) and she tells me about how he was a professional athlete and he had a skateboarding accident that shattered some of his disks in his tailbone, leaving him with no chance of ever recovering (all in more detail) and tells me that he is dealing with it better than her and he is still high spirited and stuff, and that he is coming up for the holiday to spend a few days, and I tell her that that is good, maybe seeing him being ok with it will help her be able to deal with it better. I don't know if that was the right thing to say. She then says she needs to get back out on the floor, and thanks me for asking about it. I think she meant it, not being sarcastic, and I hope I didn't say something stupid or asshole like. I feel bad, because I am so awkward in those kind of situations and I feel like I come across as some heartless uncaring asshole.

It is far worse when it is someone I actually know, because I still have the same problems of not knowing what to say and feeling uncomfortable only worse. The difference is that I care a lot more about the people that I know, yet it doesn't make it any easier to interact in those situations. Add to all of this that I am generally a pessimistic, depressed, hate my life kind of person, and I really become the last person you would want to talk to about stuff and I know it, even though it doesn't keep people from telling me stuff. I joke about how everyone should kill themselves, but in reality, if I really tried to stop someone from killing themselves, I would probably just make them that much more sure they wanted to do it.

I think I am emotionally retarded or something. Does not interact well emotionally with others. I don't know. Does not respond well to emotional distress, or other similar things either. Like the time the guy nearly died at the movie theater. I don't think that I would have felt or reacted any different even if I wasn't stoned. It is just one of those things. Maybe it is my punishment for laughing at all those people who die and stuff. Kinda like the guy from Anal Cunt (who writes all the 15 second songs making fun of divorcees, handicapped people, being gay, and most other politically incorrect things) even though it is all a joke, he ended up getting divorced, o.d.'ing and going into a coma, they almost pulled the plug, thought he would be retarded if he woke up, and he did, but is paralyzed from the waist down. So that really doesn't actually compare to me in the mind of anyone reading this I am sure. But this is how my fucked up mind works. Not very well.

Not even really sure what the hell I am trying to say here. Just that it is really awkward to hear about other people's problems or be around any sort of drama or traumatic situation. No offense or anything, and don't take it as me not caring about you, but I am just not the person to talk to or to help out. I am not even the person to talk to about anything. I have no good advice to offer, no wisdom, no solutions. Hell, I can't even figure out my own life and I am living it. When it comes to physical trauma, being hurt, dying, dead, I really don't deal well with that in person either. So I know it is an asshole request, but please don't do it in front of me. I even have trouble with other people at the hospital. Of course I can and have dealt with it many times and I do it because I care, but yeah. Not fun. Although there is a fat guy sitting in front of me with a bandage on his head and I think he said he has a hole from a recent operation, and it would be fun to poke it, but that is because he is a stranger. That is how I am.

Another boring blurb about nothing.

Working sucks. I went to Seattle today for training? for the rug job. It was ok I guess, not too exciting except that the store shares the building with a bistro and I had the best Panini I have ever had. It was chicken and pesto and tomatoes and potatoes and mozzarella. MMMmmmm.... and I don't even like pesto usually. We also have new benefits. I have a personal assistant in New York who will research anything for me, and I can see a shrink up to three times for half an hour for free for each life problem I have. That could really be a lot of visits. There is another thing where you can sign up for a pre-tax income deduction and then you get the money back because they reimburse you that amount for medical expenses. Unclear if a medical marijuana card would qualify, but there was talk of it. Not like there is a chance in hell of getting one from my doctor anyways. Pot is bad. Loads of anti-depressants of any flavor and strength so I can become truly brain dead all the time though, she will give me prescribe me that. Plus I don't make enough to make the whole tax thing worthwhile and there are a bunch of complications that can result in you losing money if you don't plan and spend right.

The guy from Pleasant Hill got fired for taking long lunches, going in late, and finally not going on his day off to a meeting. HHhmm... better start watching myself. I am always late and take long lunches sometimes. But I don't think I am as bad as he was, and everyone at my store likes me. (Just not the upper management. Upper management never likes me, and I never like them. They always seem to be a bunch of fake assholes who only care about you if you are making them look really good, otherwise you are a worthless piece of shit.) I don't really care except that I need the income of a second job and that one is easy even though I am seriously starting to wonder if it is worth while.

Need to move to the forest and build a cabin and live off the land. I am fighting with myself about what material items I need and don't need, I have so much shit. Where did it all come from? I never had all this stuff, and yet I can't figure out what I could get rid of. Definitely need to stop wasting money on stupid things. Need to pay off bills. Eventually I want to be able to only have one job so I can sit on my ass at home more or something. Yeah...

Sleep schedule is fucked beyond hell. Don't work till tomorrow night and then it is the long weekend. Seems like it just was. Maybe my personal assistant can research this for me. Or even better, research a job that I can get that pays enough to work only one job and will let me be me. Yeah. That would be sweet and hilarious. Then I would lose my personal assistant. Oh well. Time to go do nothing.

I am thinking about reviving my SF Subculture website project thingy. I have all the time I need to surf the web and update it and stuff while I am working here. Of course I don't plan to stay here for too long, and after I leave, I don't know that I will feel the same about it. I also don't know if I want to do it all by myself, although I am not sure that I want to work with anyone else on it either. Of course it would probably be good for me to work with others, but I don't even know who... But SFGoth is dead, SFRivethead is gone, Lucifer's Hammer has dwindled to an occasionally e-mailed announcement list and there isn't really anything else like them that I know of. So maybe it would be a good time for it. Maybe I will do it and it will be like last time. Maybe this time it would actually become something. Who knows...

It's time for lunch.

Been busy all day, cleaning, playing the drums (sort of, crappy electronic drum thingy), cooking, eating, working out, etc. etc. Almost done. Then, well, I don't really know. I guess I need to go shopping and get some stuff to eat and stuff to take care of things around here. I have the urge to go to Jim's Music, maybe even bring some of my crap to sell, but I know what will happen. I will find stuff. I always find stuff. It is an addiction. I am a musical whore. If I went deaf I would die, and as it is, my hearing is not what it could be. Really need to start wearing ear plugs at work and concerts. Need to not blast the music so loud in the car either. That was all kinda random. Oh well, don't feel like re-typing this time. Pure unedited thoughts from the brain dead...

Sweet zombie fetus, I need to move into a rehearsal studio. The neighbors must hate me, and that is with me trying to be quiet. I want to crank a half stack and let the feedback squeal and pound real drums and feel the bass rattle my fillings and all that shit. I want to make real ugly noise and scream and rock out, and I don't even give a shit if I suck as long as its loud. But I live in an apartment. So I quietly tinker and it takes some of the fun out of it. Not to mention it is a bit cramped. Definitely no real drums here.

I work like fuck this weekend, and then I work some more Monday and Tuesday, but only during the day. Going to a concert on Samhain for lack of better things to do, thinking of taking the day off as a holiday (it is actually a religous holy day for me insofar as that I am a currently non-practicing heathenisitic pagan who doesn't believe in any gods, just the rituals and philosophys of witchcraft and the occult). I feel sorry for Joy because she has to get up at ass crack of dawn day of and day after, so no late night festivites like drinking blood in the graveyard at midnight or clubbing or what not for her unless someone blows up her store. There was some graffiti around Fremont the other day that may be linked to terrorists and events in the middle east, so you never know.

Anyways, it is off to finish up around here and then who knows what adventures the night will hold? Must avoid going to Jim's and Guitar Center. Not like I have money anyways, but when has that ever stopped me. Made me question my sanity and sense of responsibility often, but never stopped me...

So I was envious of people who worked for larger companies, who got to get promoted and go to big meetings at places, and get free food and drinks. Like a big company party, but you get paid. Well here it is. My big trip. Going to Seattle. Ok so its not Vegas or L.A. or some other vacation spot, but still interesting enough for a geek like me. Only thing is, I have to get my ass up at three in the morning on my day off to drive up to Sacramento (where the plane leaves from), and we are flying back that night around nine, which means I will get home about midnight. No fun involved, aside from meeting the northwest rug guys. Oohh..fun. Hmmm, just thought of this though, I wonder if there is a club in Sacramento that night. Have to check it out... But anyways, I really doubt I will be getting paid for this, and it is my day off, on my real weekend (time off both jobs). I am definitely going to have to make up for that by taking time off on other days. Yes days. Because I figure that is over 20 hours of my time off and thats not counting the fact that it interferes with making plans for the night before. (Yeah, plans... ha ha.) That translates to two and a half days of work. But hey, they are going to buy us lunch. Wow. Flying to and from Seattle and spending about 12 hours there for work and I get a lunch... What about breakfast and dinner bitches? I am a growing boy, need food. Alcohol starting when I arrive would be nice too, but I guess that might be asking a little much. At least starting at lunch though. The way things are going around here, this job may not last much longer. Need to find something more me anyways. I would like to stay in retail to force myself to be social, but at the same time, I hate people. No more slacks and button down shirts and ironing either. Too much work and not comfortable enough. Maybe if I at least had an interesting job... but I don't. All the cool people have left the building and now I sit here alone on my computer. Not my thing. Oh well, gotta get up and do stuff now, or risk falling asleep.

Quiet possibly better than the Columbine RPG game, created for a higher purpose, only this time it is quiet literally a "higher purpose". Left Behind Games based on the books about the apocalypse, presents Left Behind: Eternal Forces. YES!!! Fucking awesome. Why you ask? Because you get to kill heathens, Jews, Muslims, anyone who won't repent, all in the name of God. How sweet is that? Yes, you violently kill them, en mass, [edit- game maker claims it is non-graphic killing and therefore is ok for all ages, says rumors of graphic violence are just rumors] because they won't be born again. Oh yes, it gets better... You can also play the part of the Anti-christ and kill the Christian elite too. What more could you ask for? And just to keep you honest, pre-order now and you get a free cheat code to beat the first level. I must get and master this game so I can join forces and whup ass as Nicolae Carpathia leader of the AntiChrists Global Community Peace Keepers (a.k.a. the United Nations) in the on-line multi-player mode. Also, unlike most fringe games based on extremely controversial things, this one has good graphics and looks like it might have a chance of being a fun game as far as actual gameplay goes. Wait till Nov. 7th, or should I pre-order it? Or do I go to church and see if I can get one of the ten million free copies? How long before people realize the implications and this game is banned? When am I going to start on my own game that is similar to if you combined this with Columbine RPG?

In other news, I have been looking at sites about the coming apocalypse (www.countdown.org), how we are all going to be implanted with the number of the beast through micro-chipping, how the matrix is going to come true (they used a fish brain to control a two wheeled robot and a man with implants that connected him to all his electronics made quiet a bond with them), and hey... how about gun laws and guns because they have a nice rifle that I want, on sale at Big 5 that is good for hunting and can be modified for sniping. Hmm... hope no one is tracking my internet surfing...

Yeah... I thought I was going to write something, but somehow my mind has completely blanked it out. Oh well. I may be sick.

(Here it gets gross)

Fucking phlegm keeps draining despite taking allergy medication a little more consistently. It is thick and now all yellow and grey, but not yet infected. Just annoying. It doesn't stop, and I keep coughing it up. Been like that for a week? More? I don't know. Time passes and I can never keep track of it. Need to smoke more to dry it up and get it out faster. That's what I used to do. Of course, I quit and even though I still have one now and again, I am trying to stay quit so I don't get other health problems and so I can save money to waste on other things. Whatever... Sometimes I like to smoke and sometimes I don't care, but I haven't been a consistently heavy smoker for a long time. Does it really matter in the end anyways?

I am buying a dirt bike soon, and planning to go riding every other Wednesday or Thursday, or both (My days off both jobs). Camping might be a little harsh during the winter, but I am not too worried. Riding alone is bad, but I know I can ride no problem with minor to medium injuries. In fact, if it is only a broken foot or finger, or non-hemorrhaging scrape or cut, I will finish out the day at least. As long as I don't bleed to death, I will be ok. Eventually I hope to find people to ride with though... Even though I really do like riding alone, it is just not the best practice, plus, riding with others will push me to do the stuff that I sometimes hesitate on. I am too analytical, need to remember "When in doubt, gas it." Possibly get a little further in life if I applied that to other areas too. But I don't need to be getting metaphorical here.

Probably not using my Myspace thingy and possibly deleting it. My teacher keeps talking about being careful what you put on the web, because once it is up, it can never be completely erased, even though you deleted it or what not. This matters because employers now surf the web looking for information on potential prospects to get an idea of their personality and stuff. I don't feel that my Myspace thing is bad, but it doesn't exactly make me look good either, and lately I keep getting messages and event invites that are blank, so it is kind of annoying. As for this, I don't think I have my name attached to it, so I don't really need to worry about it. I do need to make one that does have my name on it, and try to make a positive image of myself on the web. It is also supposed to be a great way to network, and many people seem to do so, but for me, not so much. Over half the people on my friends list on myspace are fake, and the rest, well... I need to network.

Its been so long since I have gone out with the intention of meeting new friends, I drove by the places I used to hang out at, but they are gone, or at least so different they may as well be gone. Plus I don't know that they are the right places anyways. But where is? Where the hell do you meet people? School? No. Don't ever see my classmates. Work? No. The IC's at the rug job are nice, but I could never do more than have a casual conversation at work with them. Bars? Going to a bar alone, I would feel weird and pathetic. Clubs? Don't really care for most of them nowadays, don't want to meet club kids, and they are just not the easiest place to socialize. Then there is the whole problem of me being so damn quiet. I don't know why. I get lost in my head quiet often lately. Maybe just habit. I don't know. I am not going to get anywhere being so quiet though. Never been good at the whole social thing. Still have those days of wanting to go away from it all too. Still so awkward with myself. Still so many things...

......

So Tom Petty is playing at the Greek Theater in Berkeley. Possibly one of my dream concerts. To go sit on the lawn and smoke it up while watching Tom Petty in a venue the size of my jr. high school theater. Went and did that when the Black Crowes played there and it was awesome. Cost = $45 for ticket + $7.50 for buying ticket + plus day off at Crappex. Very expensive indeed. Haven't heard the new album either, but I don't know of any previous ones that I didn't like. Fuck. I want to go but will I? Who knows. Playing with the Dandy Warhols. Heard of them, but never actually heard them. Too bad he isn't playing with Pearl Jam here (they are playing on other tour dates and at Bridge School). It would be interesting to see them again if Eddie Vetter actually played and it didn't turn into a Neil Young concert or get canceled.

Looked up the Edward Scissorhands play and cheap seats are $140. I wasn't sure before, but I definetely know how I feel about going to see that now. Good seats are $180, and for that price I expect a backstage threesome with Winona Ryder and Johnny Depp, but neither of them are in it, so...

Trent Reznor is playing the Bridge School benefit this year, but that isn't NIN, so I can miss that. Not that I want to see NIN every time they play around here, but somehow I do. Only about every other Marilyn Manson show. Haven't seen Morbid Angel in a long time either. Used to see them all the time just because. KMFDM is coming up too I guess. I don't know about that. Playing with CheezyChrist, I mean CombiChrist. How do I not have a internationally famous industrial band?

The Tricky show on Halloween has been cancelled, so I guess I won't be changing my plans for that. Aerosmith, Motley Crue, and Lennon at Shoreline. That would be up there with seeing Van Halen with Sammy Gayguy singing.. wait I did. Lame. Gwar and Babyland (separate shows) mid November. Both bands I have wanted to see but never do. Alice in Chains at a price that would be high even if Lane Staley was still alive, and Cannibal Corpse, also overpriced and on the same night at the end of November.

Dark Funeral and Enslaved in January. Of course they are not playing here, but fuck it. They are playing Orangevale, San Diego, and Hollywood. I will be at one of those shows.

That's my concert calender for this year. Now maybe its time for school.

So here I sit at work, almost falling asleep. It is an exceptionally boring day, my homework is done and I don't feel like working on other stuff. I am getting the urge to shop again though. I want a dirt bike. $5000 dollars. I really want one though. But I don't even have a place to keep it. I also want to put a new engine in the bug. Then there is also the musical instrument addiction. I want a cello, another Warlock because they are really nice and cheap on clearance and almost gone, a baglama saz, a nice acoustic, and any other interesting sounding or looking instrument that I will probably never get around to learning to play. But that doesn't stop me from wanting and on days like today, I look. That's only a step away from buying. Very bad. Still need a camera too. Plus I want to save.. I need a way to exploit this time by doing something else to make money while I am here.

In other news more or less relevant to the rest of the world, I am going to a concert presented by Lucifer's Hammer on Halloween. It is at the Elbo Room (21 and over, $7 cover) and the headlining band is a local black metal band that is known for having non-fantasy based lyrics. They sounded ok on Myspace. Don't know about the other three, but they have to be better than the usual bay area crap. Hopefully. Android Lust is coming around again on tour and skipping the bay area again, as almost every band I want to see does. What is it with this place? Oh well. So goes life I guess. Playing L.A. a few days before Halloween. Tempting to go down there for the show and get my tat touched up. Not that it would actually happen, but the idea sounds nice.

So we went to Disneyland this past week, (me, Joy, Jon, and Belinda). It was cool. The haunted house was closed, so that kind of sucked. It was being redone for the Nightmare Before Christmas theme and opened the day after we left. Oh well. The best part of the trip is that we went to Hollywood Blvd. and I saw something that looked like an idea of one of the tattoos that I wanted. I redrew it form memory, altering it to be more like what I wanted, and then later we went back to H.B. and checked out different shops to price it and get a feel for the artists. There was a cool guy at Redline Custom Tattoo shop, and he was the only one who actually looked at my arm and really looked at my drawing before giving me a price. He also recommended that I get it done bigger than I was thinking, and in all black which I was 50/50 about that or gargoyle stone. He drew up a stencil, and after a few minor changes it looked just right. I think that he was excited to be doing a tattoo like that, and even though the store policy would have made it a five or six hundred dollar tattoo, he did it for half that although the owner wasn't too happy about it. Six hours, one bowl, one joint and one beer later, I had my first tattoo. (Yes I know it is a little late, but I am really picky and couldn't get the idea in my head onto paper for that long and no I didn't need the drugs or alcohol for courage or to take the pain, that was actually quiet enjoyable.) I think it looks great, and I will post pictures of it soon, probably on my Yahoo pictures account. I will post the address for that when I update it because I am too lazy too look it up right now. Anyways, I am sure that I will get some interesting reactions from family members, but that is all part of the fun I guess.

Another interesting thing that happened, the day after I got the tattoo I wanted a tank top because it was on my shoulder and the shirt I had was kind of tight on it so I had the sleeve rolled up. Disneyland stops selling summer clothes in the end of September so of course they didn't have anything that day. I bought a t-shirt and asked the lady at the counter if I could use her scissors so I could cut the sleeves off and she told me they aren't allowed to let the customers use them because they might hurt somebody, but then she called her manager and asked if she could make an exception for me. The manager said they would for me only, but never again, and when the lady let me have them she said not to hurt anybody or else we would both be held responsible. I found it very amusing that of all the people they might trust, they pick the one who would generally be considered most likely to fit the stereo-type of a psycho in Disneyland, so that I could show off my new evil looking tattoo. Ah well, it is a crazy world.

Another day at work... At least this week it is only one job. I worked both jobs almost every day and did work every day of the last month. That really kinda sucked even though I got paid for more hours than I actually worked and worked less than I normally do. I really want to get my bills paid down so I can quit one of these stupid jobs. I wish I could find one cool decent paying job somewhere. I am taking my portfolio/career planning class right now, and it is not looking great on the job front for the video game thing without having more education. Isn't that the case with any career nowadays though? Even worse, I am not sure if that is what I really want to do. Its not that I question whether or not I would rather do that than what I am doing now, or if I enjoy doing it, but is that what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life or at least for a large portion of it? I guess another way to phrase it is: Do I want it enough to put that much effort and time into it, or should I be focusing that energy somewhere else? I don't know if I am pursuing this because I want the job, or because it is something I like to do and I feel like I need the job to be successful in life. I remember that when I started on the journey towards this, I was working at Spencer's, going nowhere and realizing that I needed to do something. I had fallen to the bottom of the pit of life and hit hard. It changed me and motivated me, but did I get over zealous and let society and my parents standards get to me? I don't know. At the time it seemed like it wasn't going to be too hard. Just go to a trade school for a year and a half, get a degree, and get a easy good paying job that payed more than enough to live the kind of lifestyle I wanted. I did the school thing, and the requirements went up. I waited and got stuck back into doing shit jobs, and my schooling became even less relevant as time went by. Now I have been at this stupid job for over 4 years even though it was only supposed to last a couple of months. I have gotten back into school and gone for almost two years now, with almost another year just to get a certificate which was what you needed when I started the program. My other degree has been deemed worthless as far as education credits. The industry wants a B.A. at this point. At this rate, I feel like I will not catch up. Is it even worth it just for a middle class job? I don't know. I basically have just gotten to a point in my life kind of like what I thought I wanted, and while I enjoy it, there are a lot of things I miss. I don't know. I just wish things were simpler, but they aren't, so I will just go on dealing, and in the end I always manage to make things work out ok, but I just wish there was some way to know what the right thing to do is.

So I am really just writing something quickly because I am trying to keep up on doing this more regularly. I don't really have anything to say, I am at work, almost time to go. It was sort of busy, but not with customers and no sales. Talked to the new guy who will be working in the Vegas store. Not sure how I feel about this job anymore. It was really cool at first because it is so easy and I can mostly do my homework, I get to talk to people and interact and all that crap. I also apparently do a great job, which I guess is nice to know. The store manager showed up while I was getting lunch and paid for it just to say thanks for doing so good. Kind of odd, but hey I'm not complaining about free food. I kinda felt awkward though because I didn't stick around, had to go back to the store and take care of stuff because I am responsible like that. Oh well. I don't know. Joy is leaving for the weekend, and I will be working all weekend, possibly quiet literally at this point, due to stupidity at the old job. In my free time I will be working on school work. Fun lonely weekend. I really don't want to take classes this semester, but I want to get done with the whole thing and move on. I also really want to get out of having two jobs, but I really don't know what to do. Next week on Thursday I just found out there is a Genitorturer's/Mortiis show at the DNA. I have seen the Gentitorturer's a few times now, so that is not anything too exciting, but I was just thinking about how cool it would be if Mortiis played around here. I am sure that I am one of very few people excited about it, but that seems to be how it goes these days.

Full Moon, makers of fine b-movie cheese, is back. Well they apparently didn't go anywhere, just changed their names a whole bunch and couldn't release a bunch of the movies from when they were called Full Moon. Anyways they finally have most of the old movies available, which were previously unavailable because they were only released as rental tapes and have long since disapeared. Now I just found out they have the Subspecies box set on DVD in limited quantities. In an extremely unusual moment of craziness I of course had to order this without even thinking about it. I know that most people would think I am really cheesy, but then again a lot of people I know are far more obsessed and pay a lot more to own box sets of movies or t.v. shows they like. Anyways, I don't really care. I am excited and can't wait to get it. It has been years and years since I have seen the first three.

Whoo! It's been a long time as usual. I am at work neglecting to do my homework. Yes that is what I do at work. I get paid for this and my employer is ok with it. In fact I will even be getting bonuses pretty soon because I am the best in my area for rug department managers. That will make the pay almost enough. Then I just have to pay off a little more on my car and Yeah!!!!!!!! Of course I have to work weekends and Joy is off on weekends now, but if I get a job somewhere else where I get weekends off, she will not have them off anymore. That is how my life works. Things will work out somehow. At least we are going to go to a cabin with her family in a couple of weeks and Disneyland next month. Maybe the snow this winter, despite the fact that I hate the cold. Who knows. I have money and the urge to buy stuff instead of paying down my truck, but then I would be stuck working two jobs and no life. This is just one of my many hells. Oh well. I think I will send myself home early today. I am the boss and I can do that shit.